The Answer Must Be in the Attempt  



Celine: You know, I've been wondering lately. Do you know anyone who's in a happy relationship?
Jesse: Uh, yeah, sure. I know happy couples. But I think they lie to each other.
Celine: Hmf. Yeah. People can lead their life as a lie. My grandmother, she was married to this man, and I always thought she had a very simple, uncomplicated love life. But she just confessed to me that she spent her whole life dreaming about another man she was always in love with. She just accepted her fate. It's so sad.
Jesse: I guarantee you, it was better that way. If she'd ever got to know him, I'm sure he would have disappointed her eventually.
Celine: How do you know? You don't know them.
Jesse: Yeah, I know, I know. It's just, people have these romantic projections they put on everything. That's not based on any kind of reality.

以前覺得最荒唐的一件事就是 互相喜歡的人沒有辦法在一起 因為我怎樣都想不通 相愛的兩個人有什麼可以讓他們分開的原因 以前總是覺得 那就是因為不夠愛 肯定是這樣  想到這句話的英文也是蠻諷刺的 becuase love isn't enough.

Celine和Jesse之所以會成為對方完美的伴侶是因為 celine是一個沒救的浪漫主義者 然而Jesse是一個現實主義者 就像Jesse說的那樣 "people have these romantic projections they put on everything. thats not based on any kind of reality." 摩登愛情總比那個時代要在複雜一些 這也是為什麼我總是說我希望自己是生在70年代  就算愛上的每一個人都是自己的幻覺 就算你潛意識的選擇只看到他身上你想看見的那一面 就算你只是借用對方愛上了自己的幻覺 至少有一個東西是真的: 你當時的感覺 它是真實的 無法代替無法抹去的 你的愛 是真實存在的   可,在摩登時代的戀愛 only love, isn't enough.

不健康的一段感情就好比是毒品 特別的毒品 a special  kind of hype,  a  special  kind  of  hell  沒有辦法抽離對悲傷情緒的沉溺 and you unconsciously chose to ignore all the bad vibes, red flags and signs becuase you were too "in love". You tell people it's complicated, but deep down you know what "complicated"means.

相愛的人會分開無需只有兩種情況 (但願大部分人會是第二者) 第一者則是:惡性循環已經太久 他們終於無法忍受對方然後決定分開 (然而這類的復合幾率遠遠高於第二者 因為他們的決定並不是基於對自己的快樂的負責 而只是暫時的緩兵之計 所以他們不過多久就會馬上開始思念對方的陪伴 還有那些惡性循環的情緒)第二者就像我自己 在這世上最愛的人是自己 一旦探測到了不健康 有毒的訊號 就會馬上退一步 因為有太多的事情遠遠比男人重要 比如我對藝術興趣 我對音樂的熱愛 還有我那個無厘頭的信念;總覺得自己是一個可以影響到人類正向進化的一個人 (i know i know) 潛意識告訴自己 我自身的成就永遠會比短暫的愛情重要 也是為什麼我自愈能力是如此的強 因為我可以轉身馬上全身心的投入在學習和工作中 更何況broken heart是永恆最有效的催化劑 比一口氣20瓶紅牛都來的有勁

我不知道我是否完全相信自己說的話 我也還不完全了解自己 可是我盡可能的對自己所有細微的情緒都去誠實的面對 感受  。 整個人類進化史下來都沒有可以給出一個 對愛完美的定義 所以我也不知道那是什麼 但是我從來沒有有過這麼強烈的urge去說出那三個字 它好像就卡在我的喉嚨 好幾次 我好像可以感受到你每個字的情緒 或者它只是我內心對自己情緒的反射 無論是哪一個 和你在一起的時候 總是經歷著最強烈的情緒 然而you ban that 3 words  becuase you said  you  dont know  what  that would mean 但是 誰又知道呢 the answer must be in the attempt.


Honestly I really hate writing about these cliche love stories and my romantic feelings. I don't even know if they are the actual reality or just some fiction that i made up myself , and that makes me feel like I'm a hypocrite.  I'm always a living-in-the-moment type of person, I would rather just to show up to his door with no clothes underneath my jacket than being all sentimental and pathetic in my secret dairy. But what if he won't even open the door of his heart, that kind of leave me with no options…. Anyway.


Jesse: Sometimes I dream about being a good father and a good husband. And sometimes it feels really close. But then other times it seems silly like it would ruin my whole life. And it's not just a fear of commitment or that I'm incapable of caring or loving because… I can. It's just that, if I'm totally honest with myself I think I'd rather die knowing that I was really good at something. That I had excelled in some way than that I'd just been in a nice, caring relationship.

Celine: I believe if there's any kind of God it wouldn't be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.

I Love Y…


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